I am recently coming into all this, psychopath and sociopath, stuff. Right now I really don't even understand the difference I mean I've never looked into it before this weekend. A "friend" of mine showed me this website, and I suppose I just need to hear it from more than just this new found connection, and maybe can help me to understand .. I'm not sure what exact.. I guess I know I'm not normal, but I want to know if the monster inside of me is.
so here is all of my story, I'm not scared to share it with you because, well if i don't know who I am neither do you ..
When I was a little younger I had an older man, a man that I have known since birth, Take advantage of me.
Ever since then I have been detached from myself, the second time it happened, it wasn't me he was taking advantage of it was my monster. Ever since I was fourteen I have not been able to keep a single male relationship strictly platonic. There is always something, first with my uncle, my real father, my step father, my fathers friends have tried to get me alone. It's disturbing to think about and I have told next to no one other than my "friend".
I didn't grow up in a house with a white picket fence, my mother was 18 when she had me, and with no place to live we couch hopped through her friends house, her hundreds of boyfriends, by time i was nine she had three other children and being the oldest i felt it my job to protect them from her rage (she is an untreated bipolar). I took the beatings from her and my step dad so the kids didn't have to, I kept the house clean, and I was for all intensive purposes "Mommy" to my three siblings.
I have never been violent, I have never physically hurt any one or thing just for the sake of hurting it. For the longest time I have felt empty, I walk around with a black hole in my chest, just waiting for some one to get close enough so it can suck them clean of any emotion.
I am an actress, I am the light on the Angler Fishes head , I mold myself to fit best with a victim, I am their perfect other half. I lie about my past, I lie about my feelings, and I lie about my intentions, because I have a dark past, I have no emotions, and I usually have the worst intentions. If the victim doesn't seem desperate.. I won't bother... I need him/her to want love so badly they just keep coming back for more and more.
I don't know why I am this way..
I let the victim love me, I act vulnerable and weak so they will see me as harmless. I build up their hope of having a life together and what ever their future holds, I make them believe they will never get there unless I am with them. When we engage in a sexual relationship, it isn't me, It is my monster who takes over, my monster is the one who needs that .. connection... not me. My monster makes "love", that is the hook line and sinker, then like a black widow, I need to destroy them. I need to suck out any ounce of hope and love that they have. I need it because that is the only way I can ever satisfy the never ending hunger in my heart. It's like the second the words "I love you" comes out of their mouths I have to jump on it before the feeling is lost and I have nothing to fill my void with.
The thing that I don't understand is, I do this to people that I want to keep. I've tried two serious relationships in the past two years and neither of them has worked out. I want an anchor I want some one to keep me "normal" When I'm in a relationship (one that I actually try to be human in) I can't control myself, I do things, just pick at things or do the one thing they ask me never to do. I just cannot help myself, and after the fact, I am completely emotionless, I get full enough to make me feel alive, I fake a tear or two here and there, but I'm not sad I'm not upset, the only emotion I ever feel lately is anger. I have such a deep anger I don't know what to do with it, so its just on to the next unsuspecting soul.
I suppose I'm just tired of being emotionless, I'm tired of being angry, I'm tired of being a walking shell. I'm tired of burning bridges, However I know deep down inside things are never going to change I'm forever going to battle the dark seas of anger and confusion alone.
I have however found comfort in "friend" .. He was close to one of my late victims and in that argument he heard the total lack of remorse I had. He now knows who I am, he knows why, and he helped me to better understand myself. He is guarded still however and I do not blame him what so ever, I would hide myself from me too... The difference however with him is, there is no emotion to suck out of him.. we are both remorseless, loveless, monsters drawn together by the sole flicker of hope that maybe we don't have to do this alone...
I am broken beyond repair, no therapist could ever fix me, in fact I lie to the one I have so she thinks I am this poor little soul who needs to be helped. I just feel like I'm the only one who acts like this .. and I know its not ok, I understand that it is wrong on many levels I'm not looking for a pity party either. I just needed to let the public know that it was monsters that made me this way, I am what happens when you starve a child of the love they need.. I am forever stuck sailing alone ..
I guess I just want to know if I'm the only one that uses people like this .. meeting my "friend" .. I feel .. normal for the first time .. like I'm not the only one that has these self destructive tendencies .. Its relieving...
thank you, I hope some one has some answers or advice or anything.. This idea of help is so new to me.. I just am so thankful my "friend" brought me here .. I will be listening
well you see the splitting its not like .. Im not there completely its like Im looking through a window and seeing it happen to myself .. but i had to emotional view on what happened .. does that make sense? And if it was the splitting then than what is it now ..
" PLATE GLASS " thats exactly how it is .. any physical relationship is "plate glass" thats how it felt like i was looking through a plate glass window .. Im so sorry that you understand how that feels ..
I have that 'plate glass' thing, but it's not due to any particular trauma necessarily.
I would also sometimes describe it as a 'static' or like I'm looking at the world via it's reflection in a mirror. This all-encompassing dissociation feels like it's the awareness and perception that the physical world does not exist, let alone the mental one. This disassociation is there at all times; sometimes I pay attention to it, sometimes I don't. It's like a 6th sense, but it's just as real as the other 5.
There is another disassociation within this pervasive disassociation, which is more related perhaps to what you are talking about. In other people's presence, I feel nothing. With someone's arms around me, I feel nothing. When someone is in pain, I feel nothing.
I only feel in fantasy.
But I don't quite have the vampiric compulsion that you do. I'm much more indifferent. Sometimes perhaps I end up doing vampiric things as a side effect of how I operate, but it is not my guiding force within relationships. I don't set out to 'destroy'. Not consciously, anyway.
There are others around here that are like you, more than I am.
I'm not qualified to tell you what you are or what you are not, but I don't think you are a psychopath, I think you are traumatized. Also it sounds like you operate from a vengeful stance, which also acts as a survival technique. You will do to the world what it did to you. Someone sucked the blood out of you, but you need blood to live, so you suck it out of others. I think perhaps you may also have a Stockholmish thing going on, where you became your abuser. Not quite Stockholmish in that I don't think you were necessarily brainwashed nor unaware enough, but they took you down to Hades and you stayed there. It's all you saw once you got there, and the rest of the world you used to know is not visible from where you are anymore.
Ok im sorry i havent been on in a few days .. when in rome do as the romans .. yes maybe
as for the compulsive black widow think .. i suppose it is compulsive i mean i dont think about it it just kind of happens ... the get close then i just have to push myself away .. its like my monster will not allow another human being to get that close to me .. i even have done it to other women before ..
and realizing that the monster and i were two separate things .. its a recent thing .. i credit my new found friend he has helped me see myself a little clearer
No you're not. Your 'monster' is not a separate entity. It's nice to talk about it that way though, because then you can throw away the responsibility of owning it, by chaulking it up to something like being "possessed" by something outside of yourself.