Anybody? I JUST decided last night to check out a dating site since I NEVER get out and work too much. It's great to see photos and info about all these "singles" of the opposite sex putting on their best behavior and best photos.
But what I really want to know is...how to detect a socio on a dating site??? So far, I don't respond to the profiles that are any of the following: extremely attractive men - they just make me wonder and remind me of players why would they need a dating site? (I'm 40 btw if it helps) Anyway ...usually not if they are one or more of these things: extremely attractive, longest relationship was less than 5 years, has those piercing eyes, shows off his body like a narc, stands next to his car (yikes) states that he is "real", mentions the word "karma", mentions he hates fake people (who the fuck doesn't?) has a very long profile describing himself, seems too good to be true...hmm what else? says he just moved here and has traveled everywhere and any other "quality" that a socio may possess;
Anybody? I know I'm crazy. Any advice...what would your typical socio's profile look like? Any advice would work.
Non Socio and no I don't just want to fuck. There's nothing like having sex and actually loving the person with all your being - when the feelings are mutual it is "undescribeable". You can't ever get that from just fucking...trust me. Thanks for your reply.
I've only chatted extensively to one online, but not having met in real life I am unsure whether this person was just your typical garden variety narcissist or a true sociopath.
As has been suggested, not much profile info and two pictures. Looking carefully at the pictures they were very dated, and one was even a picture OF a picture.
This one DID participate in forum chats but was very passive aggressive, then used excuses to the targets as to why that was. In other words, played the victim. This person was eventually banned from the site, and I believe that was their intention, despite playing the 'woe is me card' about it.
They will ask you LOTS of questions about YOU, but will offer very little info about themselves, yet give the illusion that they ARE giving lots of info (it will be very shallow info).
I spoke to this person on and off for around 3 years. This was safe as there was never any intention of meeting in real life on the socio's part, or at least of not meeting ME (and the feeling was mutual) as they had discovered I asked too many questions.
In some ways I guess you could say I was as bad as the socio/narc because I viewed it as a challenge, some I won, others I didn't. It was interesting to see just how often this person came back to chat, usually it seems with the intent of having one last shot at getting the last insult in (but just as relevant was that they were between 'real' relationships). They are very good at giving insults, but not receiving them. (How dare you insult them when they are obviously superior!)
I haven't heard from this person in a long while (about two years) but chances are they are serving a prison sentence or realised that the insults go over my head and I can create my own false illusions merely to gain insight into how this person thinks, which is NOT useful to them in any way.
Just concentrate on how little info they give, and how much they want about you, and why. Chances are they wont have much info about themselves other than a string of failed relationships and jobs, which is not info they will give you. They will concentrate on what they OWN, and will define themselves by their material posessions, and expect you to be impressed (don't be, because they probably obtained it by fraud or deception).
They will eventually declare 'love' for you and tell you how great you are (because they want you to be sucked in and return the 'compliment' so they know, or think, they have you where they want you).
In reply to this post by Some person...doesn't matter
@topic As Kao said, if you can't already tell a sociopath is a sociopath when you are near them, you never will based on something MADE UP for the purpose of luring people in. It will simply have Something that catches your eye, but doesn't appear to be intentionally "standing out." In contrast, you know when someone is TRYING to be funny, you can clearly see the punchline and the build up. These one-liners will not stand out, it will be a sentence, or word, in a group of related sentences and words that will make you think "hey, they seem fun." Actually, "fun" is probably a word that you should avoid if you are being all paranoid norm about it. We all claim to be fun, and for good reason; we are.
As was previously stated, they will either have a ton of useless information, or virtually nothing. We aren't much for talking about ourselves. Socio love observing and hate being observed, so their profile will reflect this. Also if it is a lengthy profile, expect there to be at least SOME mention of bad things "they aren't" or "they hate" as the only time they give "personal" information is for the purpose of disinformation. For example, I frequently tell new people 'I'm "not" a clingy person and I "don't ever" cheat on girlfriends.'
@Nice Person Lmao very funny.
@Non Socio It seems to me you were dealing with a sociopath. We do very much love throwing insults back and forth and trying to get that last final stab in before going away. You really seem to have a good head on your shoulders when it comes to dealing with, and identifying us. Be careful revealing that usefulness to our victims on here. ;-)
My father said he knew I was a bit off ever since he took me to see Jaws as a kid, and I rooted for the shark.
Just responding to the idea that socios put out false info. I know this is true with non socios, if I tell you right away that "I don't " want a relationship, it's likely exactly what I'm seeking. This is only true for people you don't know well, with those who you know well, you add the unsaid suffix "with you". Do socios tend to "protest too much"? Just curious.
Another thing about my experience with a lfs (I think) is that3 months into a relationship he told me that he loved me as per usual, but he emphasized it- he said out of the blue, with nothing to gain- "for a while I was with you because I wanted to see what I could get. I loved you, but I could live with out you. I really love you now." Mind fuck, or a socio that intended on using a person and actually felt some "puppy love"? I know I have a million questions but all of this is so freaking bizarre and being able to have my answers (and closure) is so amazing.
But yeah, he admitted to trying to take me for a ride, only to end up very attached. It is either rare truth or playing with my head . Could have he been allowing me "in" or just trying to get some emotional response/drama? It was odd,and I think a bit calculated
I once told a long term mark that I had originally only gotten with them because I wanted someone to use. I told them that the desire to use them was eventually replaced by a desire to be with them, and that I hadn't been using them sense then (while, in truth, I had been using them more). I literally felt nothing for them at any time and it was solely a line to make them okay with me again after being particularly dicky and at risk of losing their income. Socios often do that sort of thing when they are in trouble; cover up present manipulation by revealing past manipulation.
Although that doesn't mean it is impossible he was telling the truth. We never initially open up to people, meaning everyone we open up to was originally an intended victim. We just don't generally tell those we open up to that we were using them at one point (but rather, would more likely just say we use other people). We also make every attempt to deface the relationship we had with a victim after losing interest. It is one last kick on their way out the door, and meant to keep them from wanting us back (thus making them go away like we want). Interestingly, that is what you said you are doing.
P.S. Anything that seems calculated, is. That is true for everything in life.
My father said he knew I was a bit off ever since he took me to see Jaws as a kid, and I rooted for the shark.
It is so fascinating to have these things explained by someone who actually gets them! Strangely enough the biggest thing I got out of dating a socio 24/7 and constantly trying to read him is that now I can easily identify a lie or hidden motive by body language. This is especially helpful in TH'em. Speaking of- OYK, we could really hustle some people in that game. lol
Lately it's become a party trick. I have gotten so good that I go out to bars, meet random people ask them to tell me a combo of truth and lies for about 15 minutes. I can not only tell them their truths and lies but often the reasoning behind them. I've been told that it's almost like I'm "psychic". Are most people just not that observant- because if you really look- it is easy to spot the truth in an empath- it's always in the eyes, the blinking, the hand placement, the slight adjustments. Wording/vocabulary gives away a lot too. Certain types know/use certain words which usually mean a history of certain things. This game has become really fun for me. But the only way for me to be in the "zone" is for me not to care and become completely detached. That's why it's most effective with strangers. Anyway, it's just been kind of fun for me. But I bet you were doing this since you were 2 years old!
I obviously haven't always been good at reading people. I spent six months with a socio who may have never cared for me at all. There were times when I could bust him in ways that others couldn't. He had one eye that would blink twice when he was uncomfortable or lying. No matter how hard he tried, that "tell" often exposed him. The wierdest thing is that his mom has the same tell...
Anyway, I will never know if the Dylan thing was real or not. I'm pretty sure he just used me, but I just used him too. He needed transportation and I needed housing. We both needed sex and affection. There were times I stayed just because I didn't want to pay rent. And I'm sure he stayed because he had no license/car. But both of those changed at the end- I had a new job/place and he gets his license back next month (but prob not for long idiot lfs)
Studying body language and words is really important and you are correct that the smallest things give them away. I have been trying to get over my socio ever since I became useless to her. This makes me feel so small and powerless. Part of me resents her and the other part of me wants to understand her. Some of me wants her back and the other part of me wishes she would disappear so I don't feel like I need her anymore. I think I am starting to imagine things for instance, it is almost as if she is provoking me for attention, just so she can reject my reactions towards her. I wish I would have never met her!
I am trying to understand how someone can LIE about EVERYTHING and feel so good about it.
I'm right there with you. They try to egg you on to contact them, then they reject you so that they can say you are chasing them. It's all about control and ego. Realize that you cannot make a "right" move now.
The best thing you can do is stay away. And yes I know how hard it is because no one can make you feel loved because (not in spite of) of your flaws like a socio. According to some folk here you have to be careful though, because once you've dated one you subconsiously look for another. And I guess the second or third one is the one to really do some damage. I don't know. I just read alot.;) It is hard to be single around the holidays though, isn't it?