Any one spazz out and destroy EVERYTHING lately?

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Any one spazz out and destroy EVERYTHING lately?

FlawedDiamond
or even a little bit?
I slipped up.. and I caught the hulk before he did any (major) damage. The trigger of that regression (I'm learning to spot, assess, avoid them) was someone else reminding me of an act of disloyalty my muse had previously committed. ( which at the time, I didnt spazz because this particular muse has gotten quite good at appeasing the hulk before he actually arrives but is looming.. More on her another time) this time she didnt see him coming however because I guess I (freudian) slipped? *shrug
anyway.. she was cooking breakfast and the person (yelling at me for something unrelated) mentioned that I was a psycho for how i acted the night of said infraction. I had only used my latitude application on my phone (with her permission of course) and I tracked her down and brought her home.. no harm no foul right? see she tries to leave me because it feels too good and too bad. whatever. But I know she would be the safest happiest with me, based on the type of person she is, I have to protect her, even from herself. There are reasons shes worked her way up the hierarchy of muses.

any way.. once hulk remembered how fucking mad he was that night he rushed in and wailed on the bitch for a good 20-30 seconds before I realized he was there and stopped. I helped her finish cooking breakfast and I apologized for telling her I hate her, cause she knows for a fact that is one 'emotion' I am capable..were cool again, I had to show her hey! I'm back, my bad. shes a keeper. (of course you understand!!)
 
so its like hey, Im F.D. , I'm a recovering violent. Ive been peaceful now for 5 hours but damn yesterday I could say a whole two months!
Kao
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Re: Any one spazz out and destroy EVERYTHING lately?

Kao
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Re: Any one spazz out and destroy EVERYTHING lately?

FlawedDiamond
Kao wrote
you have my slight interest, and as dangerous as it is ive been thinking lately.

can you remember the first occurance of the hulk state? could there be any reason for it to be developed as a defense mechanism?

oddly enough i have a defense mechanism ive developed (and recently thought more about) at a young age. its the opposite of yours however. whenever something bad and intense happens (violence, pain inducing activity, anything physical going wrong) time briefly slows down, and i lose all feeling and control of my body for roughly five seconds real time. the immunity to pain and fatigue can last minutes. the advantages to this are obvious, as well as having a moment to plan (calm as always) my actions. the downside to this happening is that i cannot trigger it consciously, and the five seconds of being frozen do not help with fights.  fortunately the time following it i have the complete upper hand.

i first noticed this happening around the age of 10-14, with the effects becoming more dramatic after that. before i responded to situation with numbness, my body would respond with immediate rage, similar to what you are describing. i have many great stories involving dismantling classrooms, throwing rediculously large objects at people, destroying homes... but something changed my response to whatever triggers it.

do you have similar experience?
can you describe your rage in more detail?
Interest.. I'm sure I do as do u.. the curiosity of a socio who is self aware is the stuff tragedies are built on. I noticed, that even my speech style, use of vocabulary and just all around thought process is shared by some of the more evolved socios.. makes me tingle with a since of pride most empaths would find sick.. fuck it.

The first incident I can recall was around the age of 10-11 maybe. My little brother (the pesky middle child) destroyed a stuffed animal of mine. a bugs bunny pillow. I couldnt understand why I was so attatched to the pillow, and him being passive aggressive was paying me back for something minor I'd done. Long story short the hulk pushed him through a window.
I black out during these spells but I know when hes coming because like you there's a brief pause in just everything thats going on, my face literally gets warm, but Im unusually calm even by my standards up until he's there. So the trigger (if its a person) usually has no idea its coming till it hits them literally lmao
Ive fucked up classrooms, teachers, cops..

I don't drink often anymore, because that's his personal rampage invitation. any wrong thing when Im even buzzed can start the countdown and if certain conditions are met in that little window of time its pretty much curtains. Hes incredibly strong and I never get to see his work but I used to be a little confused by the whole ordeal.

other triggers are: being threatened with the cops
being blatantly lied to: (go figure) but at least my lies arent insults on other intelligence!
if taunted he definitely shows up..
hes like the reverse conscience, he wants to smash shit up, everything is a lie, everyone is out to get me.
Kao
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Re: Any one spazz out and destroy EVERYTHING lately?

Kao
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Re: Any one spazz out and destroy EVERYTHING lately?

Sheila
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They call these temper tantrums, most common in 1-3 year olds.  
Kao
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Re: Any one spazz out and destroy EVERYTHING lately?

Kao
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Re: Any one spazz out and destroy EVERYTHING lately?

Sheila
Yeah, it has something to do with that under devoloped part of the brain, I think maybe the "blackout" is she/he gets so enraged and caught up in the moment he doesn't even realize what he's doing. I'm very familiar with them. My ex used to do it, one time he threw a bottle at the oven and broke the whole front into pieces..glass everywhere. He was so pissed at himself because he had to replace it ...cost him money he didn't want to spend. Kind of an indication how "out of control" you can get, when you're in that state you are just not thinking.
Kao
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Re: Any one spazz out and destroy EVERYTHING lately?

Kao
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Re: Any one spazz out and destroy EVERYTHING lately?

Sheila
That was beautiful at work. Wish I could do that, I'm the one that is sitting there THINKING what you were describing about these people and not really saying much. Even though I want to say it...I can't think that fast to have it come out sounding logical and right. I leave the meeting and say "oh my god...fucking idiots" don't they know..all they have to do is...(whatever it is you said). So, since I suck at thinking fast ESPECIALLY around 40 people - forget it. Anyway, once I left the room and went over it all in my head is when I would come up with answer. My ex was amazing at that, it's a knack you guys have I think (well some of you, there's still the not so smart ones who just think they are). Anyway getting off subject.
My ex would pretty much only have fits when I "insulted" him (believe me I never did - he just accused me of it) or told him he was lying or I would tell him he's wrong, especially question him; questioning him was the worst, I guess it was a bust because I'd "back him in a corner- hit him with the truth -tell  him "it doesn't make sense" cuz it didn't. I think some of those fits were for display only to intimidate me but when he was really angry he'd just pick anything up and throw it...lots of plastering work the had to do to fix the walls.
Oh my god...I have a CRAZY story - one night he got crazy mad over something (I don't remember why but whatever it was I "insulted" him accidentally. He stormed out (packed his bags) did that ALL the time and left.
PISSED OFF!! Anyway..about an hour later as I was in bed, I hear "BANG" BANG" "BOOM" like someone was tying to break in! I was scared to death, called him (no answer of course) to tell him someone was trying to break in. I really thought someone was...it was getting worse and worse..I heard wood breaking (I was upstairs...someone was IN THE GARAGE trying to break in the HOUSE! Anyway next thing I hear is my name.."f-n what the fuck...you locked me out! You're a (every name in the book)
I was like Tom..you have the key! What are you talking about you have the key! You always have the key..it's on your keyring!" He literally broke the door down - it was a strong door...the kind that is supposed to be "safe" not one of those cheapy wood doors..it was strong. He was insane! Then he pulled out his key and said "oh shit"

Completey weird and if you ask me psychotic. I know I did nothing to piss him off - he just did that sometimes...something I said even if it had nothing to do with "insulting him" he'd turn it around like I was! It sucked.
!!!
Kao
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Re: Any one spazz out and destroy EVERYTHING lately?

Kao
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Re: Any one spazz out and destroy EVERYTHING lately?

FlawedDiamond
This post was updated on .
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yea I lose time when Im not enraged as well, whole days..
as far as why or how my defense mechanism was born; that memory is repressed as of now.. however, my hulk is sometimes the aggressor in the situation. Oh yea!! My older brother (whom I followed like a puppy) well, he used to kick my ass. alot.. dont remember the first time we fought which is perhaps why I dont remember the birth of the hulk, theyre probably the traumatic event..
 Sheila I agree with it being out of control, and yes I damage my own property as well, which I bitch and moan about as I replace it.

I forgot to mention.. he kicked my ass alot but the dynamics of the fight changed, I went from being pummeled in a corner to being pummeled while fighting back, to fucking up everything so from age 6-10 my hulk was born. and I love him. lmao
Kao
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Re: Any one spazz out and destroy EVERYTHING lately?

Kao
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Re: Any one spazz out and destroy EVERYTHING lately?

FlawedDiamond
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Re: Any one spazz out and destroy EVERYTHING lately?

FlawedDiamond
In reply to this post by Kao
Kao wrote
seems like most of your problems lies within your memories. (or lack of them)

i have similar problems with memory.  occasionally something will trigger a strange memory from my distant past or childhood.  some have been irrelevant, but some fill in gaps and key details.  i often wonder if i am being gaslighted by everyone around me, because i dont remember key details about my past but they always seem to be able to fill them in.  

question for you, what is your earliest memory? (not a story.  the first detail you still remember.)

as for the birth of the hulk-state; it seems that it was most likely related to being beaten by your brother.  it seems to be completely necessary in order to protect yourself.  (another point for nurture i suppose) after all it did improve your odds significantly. (and possibly enable you to fight, missing detail here.)
Yea I fight like a trained boxer now haha

My earliest memory hmmm.. Id have to be around 3 or 4 its of my dad he was studying and I was interested in the open bodies in his anatomy book. He was giving me the names of everything I pointed to and  I tried to repeat him.

Yea  I get the memory fill ins as well, and some are super revealing. during the time in my life before I realized that like you said, alcohol = no intelligence  I used to feel gaslighted by the hulk stories I gathered from those around me..

Nature and nurture DO play a major role on what TYPE of socio we will be come, but we are destined for that from conception

Kao
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Re: Any one spazz out and destroy EVERYTHING lately?

Kao
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Re: Any one spazz out and destroy EVERYTHING lately?

FlawedDiamond
Never studied, I've just been in dozens of fights.. even without the hulk. you just start getting good at it I guess.
an example of revealing:
well I can't really get into details but out of nowhere a couple years ago I remembered something I did as a child to another child younger than myself. nothing sexual or actual doing harm myself.. I just led her to a place where harm could befall her, and I left her there. and to this day I don't know what ever became of him.
but the memory was repressed for a while. I've only told one person on earth the full story.. its one of those even a charming smile won't help me explain. Im still puzzled about it myself but I have to wait for other bits and pieces to become clear, like what was my justification, (Im sure there had to have been some)

I'd like to know more about you..
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Re: Any one spazz out and destroy EVERYTHING lately?

SoloPath
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Re: Any one spazz out and destroy EVERYTHING lately?

FlawedDiamond
attract sociopaths wrote
now, being a practicing attorney, i get hulk ALL THE TIME, but like the rest of them, got to channel it into nasty mean friggin sentences.  lol...
If what I consider hulk happened in court, they would shoot you with a horse tranquilizer.

and a black out is just that..audio, visual, all gone. no recollection just time lost. maybe some memories leak through later, but I dont consider that Hulk if I could control him.

I spazz sometimes with full knowledge, but those are pretty much displays of testosterone. when it really hits the fan, there is no umbrella big enough.
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Re: Any one spazz out and destroy EVERYTHING lately?

SoloPath
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Re: Any one spazz out and destroy EVERYTHING lately?

FlawedDiamond
I was doing really well with quelling the hulk.. sometimes he can be appeased by the person who triggered it..
something is starting to worry me tho.
Ive been really good at keeping him at bay, but its like lately I've had to do so more often. I kinda want to let him out but I consider myself evolved so my logic is coming in handy.. I know its no good and I have a lot going for me right now. And I also know eventually I'm gonna leave the door open for him.


Lest they forget...
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